50 Shades of Nothing

Posted on: August 11, 2012

Warning: May contain disparaging views on 50 Shades of Grey.

Oh, and some swearing.

Well people, I’ll declare for all the haters of the haters of E L James’ 50 Shades of Grey that I have not read it cover to cover, and nor do I have to in order to pass my own judgement on it.

After witnessing some the special mums (you know, the ones who dress as if they’re going to High Tea at the latest and greatest cafe straight after drop off) chatter about which titillating part they’re up to, I thought I’d see what the fuss was about. After all, can a book be shit canned that much, sell so much but actually be sort of OK? I asked a family member who shall remain nameless to read me 20 random sentences taken from the encounters described within this apparent treasure trove of BDSM and all things wrong but oh-so-right. Does this qualify as a book review to rival Tuesday Night Book Club? Of course not.

Let’s take just a couple of those sentences.

eg 1 Christian follows with two sharp thrusts, and he freezes, pouring into me as he finds his release

Hmm, on a purely writing level, are the last 5 words not redundant? Did Christian suddenly morph into a thermos?

eg2 I had no idea that pleasure could be such a turn on, watching him writhe subtly with carnal longing. My inner Goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.

This is probably the only extract that would have both Todd McKinney and Barbara Cartland frothing. The former would no doubt go fucking nuts at the knowledge that someone, even a Goddess was attempting to channel a merengue with moves from the salsa. They go together like treacle and diabetics. Cartland would, if she were still with us, sue James’ arse off for ripping off the pureĀ counter-intuitive schmaltz of the first sentence. On another point, any action remotely carnal is never subtle. Carnal involves the flesh, from the Latin Carno. Subtle? Not.

I feel that a third example would, like the book, be redundant. The following items have more moments of actual suspense, sexiness and drama than 50 Shades:

  1. Kate Bush’s Babooshka
  2. Alexis Sayle’s portrayal of Monsieur Auburgine Goes to Tesco’s
  3. The swirling movements of my coffee grounds as I pretend to read them after the sad realisation that the coffee is finished
  4. A team building exercise at the annual Coalition conference involving 4 matches, a blow up tent and a roll of duct tape

I have suggested to my nearest indie bookshop that 50 Shades have a sticker with the tagline:

“Perfect fodder for those who think Home & Away has stopped challenging them”

Inner Goddess my arse.


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