paforclive

Yes the rumours are true. Clive will appear on Q&A alongside fellow passionate Queenslander Bob Katter.

Some of the parameters I have set for the show are as follows:

1 Tony Jones to be removed as host and Janet Albrechtsen in.

2 No questions on tax policy – we all know what happened last time a Queenslander advocated a flat tax.

3 Clive to have access to a cold spoon under the desk (see point 1).

4 Rider preshow as previously agreed with the ABC (including the specific brand and quantity of Chiko rolls requested).

5 Audience composition must be >75% QLD, with no Greens.

6 Warwick Capper to be given special security lanyard for the night in case any nut bags think of coming in to the studio.

7 Emma Alberici to take the night off as there will be no Lateline (2 hour Q&A clause).

Clive is ready for all questions and, unlike Abbott & Gillard, does not his questions vetted or screened. He expects a fair fight with his friend Bob Katter.

Any Qs, tweet away.

PAforClive
UAP HQ

Press Release
Thursday 9 May 11:30am

Just adding to the announcement of 5 UAP candidates, we wish to announce that while we have received an application if candidacy from Kyle Sandilands, we will not be taking this seriously.

For a start, he has no Mineralogy board experience and as far as we can tell, has not grown up on the Gold Coast.

We are on track to run candidates in 100 federal seats. Stay tuned.

PAforClive

Well, things have been interesting at UAP HQ. While some preselections are done and dusted, others are in no uncertain terms open.

Warwick Capper still rings on a daily basis playing hard to get, insisting ‘we both know you want me in the tent’. Notwithstanding the unpalatable thought of being in am actual tent with the Bogan Baron, his use of political speak is at once pathetic and earnest. Clive suggests we harness his wave of enthusiasm while it lasts before he goes into downturn. If anyone recognises short term ideas, it’s Clive.

Clive wants the NDIS. Pretty simple. What’s not so simple is his demand to drop taxes for personal and business scales to attract more business and inspire confidence. How this swims in the same stream as fiscal rectitude is beyond my cognition. While he calls flat tax proponents ‘fucking geese’, it is still unclear if he has concrete tax plans.

His analogy?
‘Reading the Henry Report isn’t the only way forward for tax reform. It’s like saying reading the Fifty Shades books makes you a better lover.’
Thanks for that image Boss.

Beyond this, I can relate the following ideas for our official UAP Campaign Launch.

– on the steps of the Opera House: ‘look how many turned to see Crowded House’. Yyyupp ok.
– in front of Tony Abbott’s house (Ill advised, especially as his furniture has already been moved to Kirribili Storage)
– at Luna Park with the world’s Guinness Book of Records BBQ

But we all know he’ll launch this campaign of a large vessel with a captain’s hat on.

‘People need to know who the skipper is y’know luv?’

Yes Clive.

Today we sorted through the myriad candidates applying for UAP preselection since Clive reinflated the concept.

The BobKat and Clive twin threats have certainly forced some cranks out of the undergrowth they’ve been living under.

Warwick Capper is one of the more sane applicants, which should indicate the treacle I’ve had to wade through.

Some of the applicants (with key points) include:

Keith

-42 year old truckie who wants preselection in any state of SA, NSW or QLD as he drives through all 3 states on a weekly basis
-‘the bastards who represent their constituents are only there every other month so I’d be more easy to talk to and stuff. They can ask me whatever the fuck they want’
-lists his address as: cabin of my Kenworth ‘Loretta’
-couldn’t give ‘rat’s toss bag’ about the carbon tax
-wants immigration increased so we can fill the spaces and get this country going again with big country towns

Colleen from Byron Bay
-58yr old Greens voter with a thing for rich altruists
-once cleaned Sir Joh’s office
-ready to take on more then just running a herbal soap shop on weekends
-once shared a joint with Brendan Nelson after they shared similar views on same sex marriage
-feels there is no need anymore for states and boundaries

Barry
-77yr old retired doctor from Charters Towers
-married for 58 yrs with 5 kids & 13 grandkids
-pro RU486
-wants legislation passed banning Tom Waterhouse’s image being seen anywhere
-rejected by the Bob Katter Party for being too liberal in his views

Nathan
-24yr old law student
-thinks the tax system should be based on a 15% flat tax & GST of 20% with no other taxes
-wants at least 50 of the IPA’s 75pt wish list carried through
-will only join the UAP if Clive signs this last point

So as you see, the entry of Clive & Bob into the political marketplace had certainly spread the available talent thinner than a Brazilian Samba dancer’s G-string.

I may as well get all the applicants in a room, throw 120 rocks in the air and sign up the fallen. But we’ll spare Warwick. He’s had enough head injuries in his time.

Well, as usual I’m told last minute that Clive is:
1 sick of lobbyists
2 offering a difference
3 running for Fairfax
4 aiming to be Australia’s next PM

While still:
– running Mineralogy
– overseeing Titanic II

As you were then.

IPA Conference Program

Who wouldn’t be excited by a day of this calibre of content?

ARSE CLENCHER

Any sitting ALP MP with a majority of 9% or less.

BLACK HOLE

A budgetary discrepancy between money intended to be spent and money intended to be raised. Curiously, black hole estimates are rounded numbers, always ending in zeros. Usually the consequence of having one’s promises assessed by H&R Block. A term used to indicate suspicion of opponent’s budget figures without bothering to properly understand underlying factors Can also describe a person with no redeeming features. See also Eleventy

CARTOONISTS

BY far the most clever bastards in the world. Able to distill and express scenarios and moods in brilliant fashion with neither regard nor favour to the figures they depict. Like wine, very subjective. For the purposes of this definiton, I list Alan Moir, @firstdogonthemoon, Ron Tandberg & Bill Leak as starting points.

CABINET RESHUFFLE

A realigning of Ministers, usually after happy times (election wins), or sad times (see also Circuit Breaker, Spill, Faceless Men, Soft Cock, PSCRs). Spun by the leader as a fresh team while the media do their best to invoke the ‘deckchairs on the Titianc’ euphemism (for the 1,232,000th time). A glimmer of metal in the turdstream of political life for young MPs.

CIRCUIT BREAKER

A well intended and altruistic gesture whereby a politician, with no apparent motivation other than the love of his party, calls for the leadership to be decided once and for all. Often ends in ends in tears, offering more questions than answers.  See also Spill, PSCRs.

ELECTION DEBATE

A misnomer whereby the leaders of the prominent parties strive for definitive one liners and gotcha calls like pensioners yearning for that 5 game free spin at the Casino. Usually hosted by Ray Martin or his stunt double, with viewers able to SMS their views in Australian or Ostrayan. Contributes sweet FA to proper political debate.

DIXER

A partisan question from a back bencher concocted for no other reason than to tee up the front bencher for political point scoring, The best point in Question Time to make another cuppa or trim those rogue nails.

ELEVENTY

Just as Pluto was deleted as a true planet, the number eleventy was invented by Joe Hockey in the name of explaining budgets to lay people, who, not surprisingly,  can count and therefore discount the term as a royal fuck up. This man will probably be our treasurer.

FACELESS MEN

Bipeds that roam corridors whispering bitter nothings. Not a new term, but one that 60’s political hack Alan Reid coined to describe a core group of factional heads that told ALP leaders what policy to run on. In the modern day, it describes the same thing.

FOURTH ESTATE

A collective term for the media/press that report on political events. Contains many self-titled game changers who think that their mutterings are the shit. See also WInd Assistance.

FREE SPEECH

A nebulous term for the ability to say whatever the fuck you want without fear of retribution. Advocated as a core element of a true liberal ethos. Unless of course someone says something a true liberal objects to. eg Bob Ellis v Peter Costello & Tony Abbott. Free speech carries with it the responsibility of using it intelligently and wisely, unless of course you work on 2GB.

GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS (GFC)

A cascading series of events representing the failure of the economic rationalist assumption that the free market is pure and fixes all. Ignored by ring wing pundits and adherents in Australia and placed into the hands of Social Democrats everywhere to clean up while the aforementioned eco-rationalists berate them. A fine mess as Oliver Hardy would say.

INSIDER

A has been or wannabe figure with claims to know the inner workings of a party. In some cases, the best Insider is in fact an outsider for their views are too close to home (eg Mark Latham). In others, the insider has been inside so long, he doesn’t kow which way is north (Peter Reith, Graeme Richardson). Most insiders though are more often than not anonymous assistants who see making coffee for a Minister as the big chance. Held in higher regard by Journos who use heresay in place of proper questioning from the source. (See also Fourth Estate)

MENDACIOUS (Men-day-shus)

An unnecessarily long word for lying. Sounds great in Question Time and usually flows from right to left as you sit in the Speaker’s chair. In Christopher Pyne’s land it would be salacious. Often the cue for a wee tipple for those folks playing at home.

POINT OF ORDER (POO)

A tool employed during proceedings questioning the non adherence to rules. Or, in the case of Christopher Pyne, an opportunity to preen to the Speaker in the manner of a prefect if he is on thin ice or to simply waste everyone’s time.

POLITICAL FLUFF

A three minute slot in between ads on a commercial TV station that is hard hitting as Xavier Doherty bowling into a gale. Usually handled expertly by Karl Stefanovic or his superior, Lisa Wilkinson. A banana skin for Tony Abbott.

POLLS

Figures that indicate the collectove hypothetical intention in an artificial setting for an event that is yet to occur. Often has fatal implications, proving that what happens tomorrow can harm you today. See also Facless Men.

PRESUMED MESSIAH (PM)

A figure lauded by political followers of both persuasions. Does little to hose down any adulation thrown their way, but prefers that his followers stay simmering slowly to keep his ego in a perpetual flux of engorgement.

PSCR (POST SOFT COCK RESIGNATION)

The inevitable cost of being a soft cock after the anti-climax. Usually the drop is big but the person forgotten.

QUESTION TIME

Prescribed hour allocated to questions to the government from within or from the opposition relating to policy and direction. This strict definition is adhered to approximately 10% of the time. The remainder is regrettably dominated by slur, derision, interjections, inappropriate employment of props and abuses of process. A politicophile’s nirvana. (See also Robust Debate)

ROBUST DEBATE

Euphemism for harsh and uncompromising debate or nomenclature by the Parliament and the Fourth Eatate, usually in the form of aggressive and belittling the intended target while showcasing it as the reason why free speech exists.

SOFT COCK

A collective or individual who declares anonymously that they have a new direction for a party and the numbers for their idol (who often thinks they are the Presumed Messiah). Often followed by numerous PSCRs.

SPEAKER

The referee, DRS and thried umpire of the collective goat fuck we know as Question Time. A well respected position in Parliament, In cartoon terms, the Speaker is Sam SHeepdog and the MPs are the collective analogue of Ralph Wolf, trying to score advantage by sailing as close to the wind as possible before they are detected and booted. Brought to you by the number 94 and the letter A.

UNSEEN SNIPER

Callous and cowardly figure who heckles a member opposite with the belief that they a true ventriloquist. Can never understand why they should withdraw a slur that raises the ire of the Speaker.

SUSPENSION OF STANDING ORDERS (SSO)

A motion requesting the abrupt halt to porceedings in Question Time to discuss a matter of great urgency to the opposition. SSOs are motivated either by a genuine need, or, as is usually the case, by a narrowly outnumbered opposition to stifle debate and offer unhindered negative commentary on the government of the days. See also POO, Mendacious

TROLLS

Nasty pieces of work of all political persuasions who literally sit under the bridge (often anonymously), waiting for a comment to pass their way so they can pounce and respond disproportionately. The distinguishing characteristic of the foul troll is the combining of  foul language with the grammar of a 3 year old. See also Twitter

TWITTER

The medium and messenger for our hate, aspirations, opinion, like mindedness and media sharing. Will be owned by cats. One day.

WHITEANTING

The practice of internal destabilisation from within. Requires more deception than Machiavelli and better time management than Tiger Woods. Often ends in a farcical anti-climax. This term has replaced the rather quaint euphemism ‘Pissing In The Tent‘. See also SOFT COCK.

WIND ASSISTANCE

Vested interests masquerading as freedom of the press urging for a change of government or dropping of policy they find disagreeable through emotive and inflammatory means.